Be present, that's what were taught...let go of the past, don't predict the future, be in the now.
But what if being in the present causes us to see our past? When we give ourselves space to stop thinking, what if the wave of past baggage comes up and is handed to us on a big ugly heavy plate?
This is why we stay busy in our minds, to avoid the realness of us, the beauty is there but maybe the ugliness of our past stands in the way.
This past that we try so hard to hide away from won't go away until we face it, allow ourselves to feel it and become at peace with it.
The Messy Raw part...
I was reminded this weekend of why we don't go to the present so often, especially if we are broken or have supressed things in the past, I was reminded of my journey I've been through and how far I've still got to go, it brought up things that I had forgotten about and opened wounds I'd ignored.
Being present opens us up to our remembering's, our past that maybe we've used every ounce of energy to suppress, it opens us up to all the dark areas we've been to in life and more, as we quieten the monkey brain that whirs in our head, the soul gets to speak, and sometimes she just needs to get off her chest all the stuff you've burned her with, sometimes she has to cleanse herself without judgement or fear.
The yukkiness of life that is growing up, the parts that you're not proud of and the parts where you had no control, the parts where you were hurt by others, but you know that you did have a choice, and you chose to stay rather than to go, a purposeful choice of self harm, and the parts where you had no choice at all, where others had your story and changed it forever more, the parts where your soul drank it all up and then cried in pain, and the parts where you just wanted to scream at the top of your voice but your voice was muffled to a whisper...all this is inside us, some people more so than others, but our past our remembering's do come up when we head into the present, our soul askes f us to stand and look at her straight in the face and to not judge but love her all the same. Its only then that we can move on into the life we dream of free from the baggage of the past and into the clarity of the future, able to be fully present without the fear.
This is my practice, to let go of the stories I tell myself and be present, to face the yukkiness once more, to feel it, and then let it go, to be in each moment and allow my soul to show me what my mind has hidden from me and to let the future work itself out, to be 100% in the now and trust that that will be enough.
This is my delayering, someone once explained something else to me as the rubber duck effect, it takes more energy to hold the rubber duck under the surface of the water than to let it float. Working so hard to suppress, hide and block out these past traumas we use up vital energy, health and life and then we break, exhausted and over run by just trying to live.
Each time I break, it means its time to dig deeper, for me it's all about my female power, my soul wants me to see her and how I destroyed her for years, she wants me to reconnect with her deepest messiest parts, the parts where I rejected her, the parts where I numbed myself and allowed others to take advantage and the parts where I had no control at all and others took her from me. The parts where she was screaming in pain and I ignored her, I just kept going, and the parts where I actively chose to take the wrong path and damage her beauty, her energy and her light.
I know this is about to get messy......but I know I have to go there....