Recently I've been finding myself drawn backwards to the girl I once was, but not meeting her eye to eye, just secretly gazing at her from a distance, watching what she did, feeling proud at what she accomplished but at the same time feeling like she isn't me, she was something else.
The girl in her twenties, the one that was sponsored by an energy beyond one I can even believe ran through her, the girl that started her own business at 18 and worked her ass into the ground to create something incredible for 15 years, this girl I have torn apart recently, trying to undo the many traits that run so deep inside me and let the free, and in the process of really delving into her mental well being and her insane thoughts and drives I have fallen in love with her.
For many years I hated her, as I lived her and even as I left her I disliked the character she was, I was ashamed of her and some of the actions she took to keep her business alive and I certainly didn't like the energy that drove her. When I walked away from her and started my new journey I felt I was leaving her behind and I wouldn't need to go back, just like the girl in the teens too. But recently I've been brought back to them both.
The girl in her twenties did make some really messed up choices, she did let people down and she did push people when she never had the right to, she was guarded to the people around her and ultimately when the crunch came she would cut the line rather than try to make a mends. She was so scared of being hurt she would choose to break contact before she could be hurt and she was wounded. But what came from that was beautiful, from that need to be liked, from the fear of being hurt that girl was so driven, so amazingly hard working that she would work until everyone around her was as happy as possible and by doing so she created a space for children and adults to come together and learn, for animals to be safe and for fun to be had. There was a lot of play, a lot of laughter and a lot of love.
I can see that now, that it all had to happen the way it did, I wasn't ready to go where I've been recently I had too much to prove to be hide away, and that need to show the world I was worthy of a space in it drove me to create something incredible but also to crash and burn.
I look back and see a broken girl, finding her way in the world, but I also see an amazing human that went above and beyond to do something she'd always wanted to. When I left the yard I walked away exhausted, its taken me two years to be able to see the beauty that was there without the pain that went with it, but I can now own her totally all of her insanity, fuck ups, moments of complete bitch, moments of fear, moments of pain I can own her all.
And through this process I have realised I was trying to hide from her, be something different to her, but what I've realised is that underneath her then is the person that I am now, and the person she was then is what's made me who I am now.
When you realise that there is nothing you actually want to hide, when you become willing to hide nothing you can fully release yourself from fear.
I was hiding her away, and in doing so was fearful she would come back, that if I went there I would become her again, but I know now that I won't I haven't the energy or the need to prove something to go there again.
So the last few years have been an unravelling of me, I've stripped back layers and layers and layers until I found the rawness of me, I've sat with the ugly stuff, and learnt to own it, I've sat with the beauty and learnt to see it. I no longer need to prove I'm worthy of a space on this earth I feel I am part of this earth and through doing the work I feel connected to this earth more than ever.
And I now find myself in a space where I've never been before, a space where my next move isn't planned, where my next chapter isn't already seen and a space where I'm actually going to live for the moment totally.
As the new moon arrives this weekend intentions will be set, but this time they will be broad and vague, with no real goal, I'm excited to see what happens without the need to force.
And as I come to the end of this chapter, the end of the chapter of striving, of going big, of putting out there, and I start to draw inwards, I have handed back my yoga studio in Woodbridge and I have said goodbye to clients. What I do know is whatever comes is going to grow in the wilderness with nature and with nurture, but I'll be honest with you for now I'm not sure in what shape or form that will take.
When I left the yard people asked me what I was going to do, my answer was get healthy and be happy. I feel I've got there, now its time to grow.