I found myself saying this to someone at the end of class last week, they said I looked different, more myself and in that moment I realised I hadn't been myself for quite a while.
My light had been dimmed and I had maybe even lost where I was in the world, as I looked back I realised this hit when I became ill in my pregnancy about a year ago. What I had imagined to be one of the most spiritual journeys of all, a beautiful opening of the body full of connection and deep wisdom was actually the exact opposite.
Spending 6 months of the pregnancy with my head in the toilet, if I was lucky enough to get there, wetting myself whilst throwing up in the kitchen sink and being unable to leave the house without fear of vomiting left me in a state of despair rather than joy, for a while I couldn't find the excitement about the pregnancy that i had so dearly wanted, I couldn't face the "congratulations, you must be so happy" comments, because at that time, although deep down I was overjoyed on the surface just getting through each day felt like a battle and I found myself loosing my connecting with myself rather than finding it, I found myself becoming more disconnected and more lost.
Luckily my mid-wife and Dr understood, and allowed me to sit with them and just cry, the feeling of failing at the pregnancy was the most overwhelming emotion, the feeling of guilt for not being happy when I know others would have given their right arm to be pregnant was suffocating and the feeling of "this is not how it was meant to be" just ran through my bones.
As I look back I realise this loss of connect with my body and my soul set itself deep inside, and its only recently have I been able to slowly find myself again.
When we project into the future and hold onto what it "should" look like the falling of that vision can be just as traumatic as the process your going through yourself. This was my deepest lesson, that you can never really know whats going to happen or how its going to feel. And the teaching of yoga to be present becomes even more relevant, I'd projected my vision of my pregnancy, of the beauty and light of it, and when that image came crashing down I felt like I had to grieve for it, it was a deep loss. Couple that with the actual dealing with daily living, I was shooting myself with two arrows.
So the lesson settled, to not project forward and hold that projection in such a way that it disables you rather than enables you.
When I finally came to giving birth, I refused a birth plan, I didn't want to project any longer as I knew the risks of my mental ability to let go, so I made a promise to just be present, go with the flow of what was needed and let go of the visions you may have.
This was the most magical and spiritual part of the pregnancy, the total trust in my body and the midwife, the belief in my breath and my feel just sunk into me and I meditated my way through the birth, I focused on my breath and went inwards, a state of deep awareness. The absolute opposite to the majority of my pregnancy.
But I couldn't have made that leap without my yoga practice, and without the Tuesday evening pregnancy yoga that allowed me to hold onto the frey'd thread of connection that I only just had the tip of, that weekly practice allowed me to slowly get more grip onto the thread until I pulled myself back, just in time for labour to arrive.
But the dark energy of the pregnancy had without me realising pulled me off my path, and its taken me some time to get back on it, and I'm grateful for this journey, as it has taken me even deeper into myself, allowed me to really feel the importance of a daily practice of connection and re energised my confidence in this life changing practice that is yoga.
Life is never what the films, and books sell it as, there's always a curve ball of sorts, and the more we choose to stay present rather than projecting into the future the more chance we have of dealing with the now.
So a note, if you're going through a journey, good, bad or ugly, no that whatever happens "this to shall pass" and try to recognise when you're projecting in a way that's not going to help, and bring yourself back to the present. Bring yourself back to the now.
And know that it may take a year to work through it, but you will get through, and within that year their will still be moments of light settled within the dark.
I didn't wear my pregnancy well, but I now know that it was all part of the journey I was meant to make, it was all part of the way to become more connected with myself and now my daughter.