When I used to think of fear I'd think of those moments when you're walking down the road at night and you here a sound in the bushes, or that feeling of just before you face making a big presentation. The big obvious fear, those moments when your heart races, you get a cold sweat and you get the shakes. FEAR.
But then someone once said that behind every "negative" emotion sits fear. It took me w while to travel down that path, but that thought stuck with me. At the time I didn't really understand what she meant, I didn't get that behind jealousy is fear, or behind anger is fear.
And then I started to think more and more about fear, about how it can rule our lives and even how the external world uses fear to survive, and when I started to tune into the energy of fear I started to notice it everywhere, this feeling of suffocation came over me and I realised that I had in fact been living my life from a place of fear.
The fear I'd been living from was a subconscious fear but non the less it structured very decision that I ever made, from the simple things of the clothes and food I brought to the big things of the job I did and how I carried out that job.
When I started to realise how much fear ran my life I knew I had to change, I had to live my life from a place of love.
My fear was the fear of not being accepted, not fitting in, this subconscious fear had been built as a child and the narrative I had developed deep down was "if I don't fit in, life is uncomfortable really, really uncomfortable, so the best thing to do was to fit in".
What I didn't know is the effort to fit in, to live life from fear was in itself slowly killing me, exhausting me, making me ill and giving me reason to push loved ones away to avoid the fear of hurt. If I pushed people away and hurt them first my fear couldn't be recognised as then I couldn't be hurt.
This fear made every decision for me, the narrative of clothes buying would be a quiet voice of what would others like rather than what would I like, the diet choices I took were what would make me most accepted rather than what did my body need.
But a massive thing I realised was my career choices came from a place of wanting to be valued and acknowledged and the fear of being left out in the cold or not proving my worth drove me to work harder and harder, to give more and to put myself last, because I was so scared of not being accepted. A constant battle to show I was worthy and to be liked.
When this realisation hit in it was mind blowing, because along with that came the realisation that I didn't need to live like that, I didn't need to do things because other people asked that of me and I feared them not liking me, I could do things because I genuinely wanted to or not do them if I didn't.
Of course letting go of that fear wasn't that easy, triggers would pop up over and over again, and sometimes I would slip into the old habit of deciding through fear, but as I tuned in more and more I'd notice these decisions quickly my soul would tell me it was wrong for me, it wasn't my truth, it hadn't come from a place of love.
I'd feel illness and exhaustion swell from inside, and yes sometimes I ignored that feeling pushing on in the pattern I knew best, putting other peoples expectations and values before my own. But I'm lucky, I'm a super sensitive human, and pushing doesn't last very long before I break, and very quickly the fear would cause that break once more. I'd have to return to a place of love.
This pattern has been my pattern for a few years, dropping back to a place of love, then disappearing down fear avenue once more, then back to love and so on. But gradually the awareness of my fear and my love has become so much that I now consciously know the difference.
Through deep mediation, and an awareness of each decision I made I am managing to form my life from love, this summer has been the biggest releasing of the career based fear. Actually giving myself time off, not being scared of loosing customers or letting people down, being aware that yes people use my classes for their own solace and healing but I must never do them from a place of fear, it must always come from a place of love.
Through deep mediation, and an awareness of each decision I made I am managing to form my life from love, this summer has been the biggest releasing of the career based fear. Actually giving myself time off, not being scared of loosing customers or letting people down, being aware that yes people use my classes for their own solace and healing but I must never do them from a place of fear, it must always come from a place of love.
When we start to notice these deep interwoven patterns that run through our very being, when we notice if they are aiding or blocking our pathway to truth, we can really start the journey to letting go. That journey takes years, sometimes lifetimes but once you've seen a glimpse of what leading from a place of love feels like it becomes an addiction to get to the fullness of what that is.
My next pathway is forming a life completely from love, forming my work from love, and giving because I wish to give, I'm so excited about what living from the complete truth is like, living from a place of total surrender to my own self and the closest people around me, complete surrender to love, rather than in service to fear.
Meg
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