The thing we say to people when they're upset, the in ability for us to experience others pain so from a space of love and wanting the best for them we end up shutting down a valid emotion that they are feeling.
I was told so often as a child don't let them upset you they're not worth getting upset about. Don't let what he says effect you he's only joking. But I was upset, it did effect me. So by being told to not let it triggered another path inside me, the narrative of your wrong to feel that way.
Emotions are uncontrollable, no one sits down and says today that person is going to make me feel sad and that person is going to make me laugh, the emotions just come. And when we don't honour them, when we don't allow ourselves to feel them, but even worse allow others to feel them what we are subconsciously saying to that person is what you feel isn't right, what you feel is wrong and you need to change, which delve even deeper is a narrative of what you are is wrong, who you are is wrong!
I've always questioned how I feel, not trusted my gut because I thought I was wrong for feeling the way I did, if someone upset me instead of honouring the upset I would question myself and ask myself am I over reacting? Am I being 'too' sensitive, am I being 'too' emotional. This all is sown as a child where our loved ones can't bare to see us emotional in a bad way so therefore instead of allowing them to flow, they try to fix it by saying things like 'don't feel sad'.
If someone was laughing would you ever say to them, don't feel happy? the saying turn that frown upside down, would you reverse that, turn that smile upside down? We would never deprive others of the feelings of happiness as that feeling doesn't make us feel awkward, the sound of laughter probably doesn't trigger sad emotions in you, it probably triggers laughter. But when we're telling someone else to not be sad, to not feel what they're feeling, we have to ask ourselves is that mainly because we don't want to feel it too?
So start with yourself, if you feel something its true to you, even if others aren't effected by it if you are its true to you, even if others would name it as something else, you name it how you feel it, learn to trust your truth again and don't question if your right or wrong in feeling that way. And then we all need to watch the narrative we speak to others, if a friend comes to you sad, instead of trying to fix it immediately and shutting them down, allow them to be what they need to be, to say what they need to say, to cry, to shout, to rage, no matter how uncomfortable it is for you, just be there, a shoulder to cry on not an emotional suppresser, if they then ask for help, that's the time you can come in a try to help, but try to avoid the language that tells them they're wrong in feeling whatever way they are feeling.
I am definitely a fixer, friends will know I always try to fix, so I'm writing this for myself to remind myself that we are all allowed to feel everything we feel, and to allow people and myself to feel it all and not to question it, judge it, or shut it down.
Meg xx
