I woke up today in a pool of blood, I've never bled so much in any cycle I've been through, feeling sick and weak I didn't feel worried, I know this is a sort of cleansing I'm going through right now.
My body is exhausted, and my soul hurts. I found myself yesterday asking why? Surely this is the happiest time of my life, just married my soul mate and now starting a whole new chapter. The answer that came up for me was "that I am safe".
And because I am safe, for the first time I feel safe, everything that I've suppressed is surging through me clearing out ready for the new.
The last few days have been a tidal wave of emotions, but even the darkest things have been beautiful, I genuinely feel this is what I need to do to move to the next chapter. I need to clear the final holdings from my life to get to the next stage.
I'm so blessed to be able to physically and emotionally go through this, feel every vibration of anger, sadness and joy roll through my body all at once and I'm so grateful to have a body that wears its heart on the outside so as to not be misunderstood.
My soul has learnt that in order for me to listen she has to scream, she has to burn the place down and leave me in a pile of ash in order for me to tune in and let go of others stories. I have learnt that each illness, each spell of broken, is just another layer falling down and a chance for me to rebuild, come back stronger, more open and closer to the truest self I can be.
My experience of this is a feeling of re-wilding, reconnecting to the human I was before the layers of others stories and fears got laid on me. And I suppressed those hurts, the jibes, the physical trauma, the mental confusion, the grief, the loss , the sadness, the verbal assaults, of my youth, I suppressed them all and so for them to be released they come up with power, power of deep intention to allow myself to feel them like I felt them the first time they happened to them and then let them go.
My marriage has kicked this up a gear, the feeling of total gratitude and safety has lead us to wanting, dreaming and trying for the next chapter, but I know that this will not be given to us whilst I still have broke parts in me, whilst I'm still using energy suppressing the past. So with every cell of my body and every visceral thread of vibration that runs through me I'm cleansing.
This is what happens when we finally give ourselves time, stop being busy and start to feel, and this is why so many of us shy away from it, its huge, deep work that takes our full attention, that throws daily life into turmoil and asks of us something more. But this works needs to be done, if we all continue to move through this life numb from the pain of the past, disconnected from ourselves and refusing to feel, we teach the next generation the same and the pain increases.
But I believe that is why mother earth is calling more people to this path, to rediscover themselves, because she needs us to be back on her side once more, and she needs us to reconnect, to love fully, properly from the depths of our souls and not the tops of our hearts, and in order for us to get there we need to feel it all. Every last bit of it.
So when people ask am I ok, I'm amazing and all I know is I need time, time to get the work done, time to feel it all, and then I will be ready for the next stage of this amazing wild adventure called life.
Love and Light
Meg
